Exactly nineteen months ago I had a perfect life. I was just about to complete my second year of university, I had a fantastic Mum and Dad and two little brothers who I loved to bits. I had a stable, supportive upbringing and at the age of 20 still had all four of my grandparents.
I know now that I was very lucky, perhaps too lucky.
I feel at the moment like I've lost everything in my life. My Dad passed away eighteen months ago, my Mums on holiday, my Grandad died a year ago and now I can't find a job at all. I do have good things in my life, I suppose, I have a great boyfriend, and have just graduated from university and have a teacher training interview in a few weeks.
My problems began when my Dad died. He had never been ill before in his life, I took him one evening to a party and he started to feel ill, I desperatly wanted to stay at the party longer because all my friends were there so I laughed at him and told him to stop being stupid. My Mum came to pick him up, I decided to stay at the party and go out to town with my mates. When my Dad got home, he went to sleep on the sofa so not to disturb my Mum, at 5 in the morning she found him dead. I'll never forget that phone call to tell me, I'll never not feel guilty about causing my Dads death, and I'll always regret that I did not have a chance to say sorry or goodbye.
My family fell apart overnight, my mum couldnt cope. I have two younger brothers who needed support, but no one was there for me. I was seen as the strong one, the one who needed to keep everythng going. I felt like I'd lost both of my parents. Five weeks later my Mum was rushed into hospital I've never been so scared, and 8 weeks after I lost my Grandad. Again I feel guilty for that because I haven't had chance to grieve for my Grandad.
Every night I have terrible nightmares, all my problems like not having a job seem so huge and I can't see a way out of things. The only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of what would happen to my family if I went. I know I do have positives in my life, just a few weeks after losing my Dad I managed to go back to uni to complete my final year. But carrying on like this has just delayed my grieveing process, still eighteen months on I can't believe or accept my Dad has gone.
I think I grieve more for the future than the past at the moment. My 21st birthday was terrible as my birthday is on boxing day. So in the space of two days I had to deal with the first christmas without my Dad and my first birthday, my 21st without my Dad. I picture my wedding day without him, I feel cheated that he will never know future grandchildren, he never even met my boyfriend.
Anyway I won't bore you to death with all my feelings now, I'll write back soon........
Please leave comments they make me feel supported
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2 comments:
"I think I grieve more for the future than the past at the moment."
...I hadn't thought about it like that, but I think that is completely it. I know I had a good relationship with my mother. There is no regret for the past; it's more for what she won't be there for in the future--my wedding, any children, successes, failures, etc.
I wish I had some advice, but I'm only at the beginning of this. Just remember that the best way you can honor him is by leading a good life and being happy.
Thats exactly it I had a great relationship with my Dad there are no regrets there. I just feel cheated for him.
Thanks for your message and the only advice I can give you is to take each day as it comes, think of it as a hurdles race, dont try and jump the eighth hurdle when you haven't reached the first one yet.
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