I've had a tough day today, but I know I should be proud I've got through it. I went to the football which is hard in itself because it reminds me of going with my Dad so much. Then the match was very emotive, a real nail biter and I couldn't help but thinking that I wish Dad was here. I know in my head he is here all the time, but I hate not being able to see him and speak to him. I'm not sure I'd even recognise his voice now.
Someone said I should go to the doctors for help but I think I've left it too late now. I mean its been eighteen months the doctor will think I'm stupid and I should have got over it by now. Even my boyfriend forgets sometimes, my friends well and truely have. Maybe I should try, but its not that easy is it??
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Challenges
Everything seems to be a challenge at the moment. My Mum and brother are away in California at the moment so I'm left in charge of my grandparents. I was there three times yesterday cos my Grandma isn't well, she's alone too so I feel so guilty leaving her but I know if I stay too much she will lose her independence.
I just feel so alone at the moment when my Mum's around I feel I can talk about anything and share my feelings. I'm staying with my boyfriend at the moment and although he's great its just not the same. Going to the doctors today going to mention my feelings to her and see what can be done about them.
I just feel so alone at the moment when my Mum's around I feel I can talk about anything and share my feelings. I'm staying with my boyfriend at the moment and although he's great its just not the same. Going to the doctors today going to mention my feelings to her and see what can be done about them.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
I'm alive
I feel a lot more positive about life today, despite being turned down for another job! I feel alive, I went for a long walk along the beach and took deep breaths and just realised how lucky I am to be here.
I know it sounds cheesey but it worked!!
I also heard from my Mum today, shes been on holiday since Saturday and that made me feel a lot better, just hearing her voice made me feel safe and looked after. I also went to see my grandparents today. My Dad was their only son, and I think the worst thing I had to do when my Dad died was break the news to them. At their age they shouldn't have to even contemplate losing their only child. I was convinced the shock could have killed them, however they have become stronger and provide me with a great source of comfort. Having somewhere to go where I'm reminded of my Dad helps because it feels like he's still here with us.
I know it sounds cheesey but it worked!!
I also heard from my Mum today, shes been on holiday since Saturday and that made me feel a lot better, just hearing her voice made me feel safe and looked after. I also went to see my grandparents today. My Dad was their only son, and I think the worst thing I had to do when my Dad died was break the news to them. At their age they shouldn't have to even contemplate losing their only child. I was convinced the shock could have killed them, however they have become stronger and provide me with a great source of comfort. Having somewhere to go where I'm reminded of my Dad helps because it feels like he's still here with us.
Lets starts from the beginning....
Exactly nineteen months ago I had a perfect life. I was just about to complete my second year of university, I had a fantastic Mum and Dad and two little brothers who I loved to bits. I had a stable, supportive upbringing and at the age of 20 still had all four of my grandparents.
I know now that I was very lucky, perhaps too lucky.
I feel at the moment like I've lost everything in my life. My Dad passed away eighteen months ago, my Mums on holiday, my Grandad died a year ago and now I can't find a job at all. I do have good things in my life, I suppose, I have a great boyfriend, and have just graduated from university and have a teacher training interview in a few weeks.
My problems began when my Dad died. He had never been ill before in his life, I took him one evening to a party and he started to feel ill, I desperatly wanted to stay at the party longer because all my friends were there so I laughed at him and told him to stop being stupid. My Mum came to pick him up, I decided to stay at the party and go out to town with my mates. When my Dad got home, he went to sleep on the sofa so not to disturb my Mum, at 5 in the morning she found him dead. I'll never forget that phone call to tell me, I'll never not feel guilty about causing my Dads death, and I'll always regret that I did not have a chance to say sorry or goodbye.
My family fell apart overnight, my mum couldnt cope. I have two younger brothers who needed support, but no one was there for me. I was seen as the strong one, the one who needed to keep everythng going. I felt like I'd lost both of my parents. Five weeks later my Mum was rushed into hospital I've never been so scared, and 8 weeks after I lost my Grandad. Again I feel guilty for that because I haven't had chance to grieve for my Grandad.
Every night I have terrible nightmares, all my problems like not having a job seem so huge and I can't see a way out of things. The only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of what would happen to my family if I went. I know I do have positives in my life, just a few weeks after losing my Dad I managed to go back to uni to complete my final year. But carrying on like this has just delayed my grieveing process, still eighteen months on I can't believe or accept my Dad has gone.
I think I grieve more for the future than the past at the moment. My 21st birthday was terrible as my birthday is on boxing day. So in the space of two days I had to deal with the first christmas without my Dad and my first birthday, my 21st without my Dad. I picture my wedding day without him, I feel cheated that he will never know future grandchildren, he never even met my boyfriend.
Anyway I won't bore you to death with all my feelings now, I'll write back soon........
Please leave comments they make me feel supported
I know now that I was very lucky, perhaps too lucky.
I feel at the moment like I've lost everything in my life. My Dad passed away eighteen months ago, my Mums on holiday, my Grandad died a year ago and now I can't find a job at all. I do have good things in my life, I suppose, I have a great boyfriend, and have just graduated from university and have a teacher training interview in a few weeks.
My problems began when my Dad died. He had never been ill before in his life, I took him one evening to a party and he started to feel ill, I desperatly wanted to stay at the party longer because all my friends were there so I laughed at him and told him to stop being stupid. My Mum came to pick him up, I decided to stay at the party and go out to town with my mates. When my Dad got home, he went to sleep on the sofa so not to disturb my Mum, at 5 in the morning she found him dead. I'll never forget that phone call to tell me, I'll never not feel guilty about causing my Dads death, and I'll always regret that I did not have a chance to say sorry or goodbye.
My family fell apart overnight, my mum couldnt cope. I have two younger brothers who needed support, but no one was there for me. I was seen as the strong one, the one who needed to keep everythng going. I felt like I'd lost both of my parents. Five weeks later my Mum was rushed into hospital I've never been so scared, and 8 weeks after I lost my Grandad. Again I feel guilty for that because I haven't had chance to grieve for my Grandad.
Every night I have terrible nightmares, all my problems like not having a job seem so huge and I can't see a way out of things. The only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of what would happen to my family if I went. I know I do have positives in my life, just a few weeks after losing my Dad I managed to go back to uni to complete my final year. But carrying on like this has just delayed my grieveing process, still eighteen months on I can't believe or accept my Dad has gone.
I think I grieve more for the future than the past at the moment. My 21st birthday was terrible as my birthday is on boxing day. So in the space of two days I had to deal with the first christmas without my Dad and my first birthday, my 21st without my Dad. I picture my wedding day without him, I feel cheated that he will never know future grandchildren, he never even met my boyfriend.
Anyway I won't bore you to death with all my feelings now, I'll write back soon........
Please leave comments they make me feel supported
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